And somehow I’m both the bull that is rampaging through everything and the China delicately placed on shelves while it all falls apart.

I wish I didn’t live in the extremes. So I’m trying to learn not to.

I feel so much it’s suffocating.

I write and write and write some more. Words that I’ll never read again, words that don’t make much sense to me and definitely not to anyone else. it’s just an attempt at sorting out the alphabet soup in my brain.

See I’ve gotten so used to chasing things that make me “happy”- happy really just meaning a reprieve from a pain I can’t seem to get rid of.

I’ve never taken the time to tend to the cracks in myself so I pour and pour and pour and yet i wonder why I’m never truly full. Why I still feel so empty.

It’s hard ya know? To have to fix something that you didn’t break.
But you HAVE to fix it because if not you then who else?

You’re running the same race on a different track and it’s time to walk away.

You’re never gonna win it. I’ve tried. You’re going in circles again and again wondering why you’re not getting anywhere.

You keep looking for the same things in different people, you’re wanting to change but you go back to the same coping mechanisms.
You’re reliving your hurt because hurt is all you’ve ever known. It doesn’t make you a failure, it makes you a person. We emulate what we’ve been shown.

Humans are so so simple and we crave patterns and familiarity even if it’s slowly killing us. I know I do.

I live in the “safety” of my comfort zone. Admittedly my comfort zone is on fire and everything is turning to ash but I just stand there. It’s all I’ve ever known, you’d have to drag me out kicking and screaming.

It’s why we walk around with all of our cracks trying our best to cover them but really we’re falling apart at the seams wanting better and wanting to break the cycles our parents were stuck in, that OUR grandparents were stuck in yet not knowing how.

We tell ourselves it’s over before we’ve give ourselves a chance to even begin.

Maybe you have to admit the foundation you’re trying to build on isn’t stable. It’s hard, it’s humbling, and there’s grief that comes along with having to face those parts of yourself and where you come from.

The parts you don’t really like.

The ones you only bring out at your lowest when you’re on a path of self destruction. Those parts that seem to be the bull ruining everything in its path. When you’re running from the feelings that suffocate you.

But growth comes with facing those parts of yourself and integrating them. Like I said I feel so much it’s suffocating…maybe it’s good for me though.

To be feeling and not turning the pain inward or lashing out on those I care about.

I like to think one day the cracks won’t be debilitating. That I won’t have a hollow ache I carry with me, that I wont be so close to my pain, my disappointment, betrayal, regret. Those have been my foundation for as long as I can remember. And I wonder why I can’t build anything to last. How funny.

But it’s time to grow and say goodbye to them.