And for the first time I wasn't special or uniquely disappointing, just a person. It's humbling to realize you're not as fucked up as you think you are...as you KNOW you are. It's almost selfish maybe even a little egotistical the way I viewed myself, my trauma, my mistakes. I was never able to form a real identity outside of the pain I no longer wanted to carry but was too afraid to let go of.  You see letting go requires acknowledgment and I mean a REAL acknowledgment, not some snide remark or a small sliver of truth hidden beneath 10 layers of irony. Letting go is risky even vulnerable and so much of my existence has been built on avoiding those two things.  How silly of me, the shame of my past and fear of my future is keeping me isolated.  Admittedly it still keeps me isolated. Almost like I'm viewing the world through an old window pane. I can see everything, feel the warmth of the sun, even place my hand on one side while you set yours on the other. It's almost like we're touching - the illusion of closeness.  And yet I still wonder why I'm so alone. This manufactured intimacy I've designed to keep myself protected, well its killing me. I tell myself  "I should let people in more"  It's a vague and open ended sentiment that doesn't really amount to much yet it FEELS right.  BUT what if the solution isn't to let someone 'in', NO what if the goal is to step out from behind the glass. Feeling the sun and all it has to offer, letting myself get wet in the rain and not just hearing the thunder. Maybe the real solution is to step out and hold your hand. To acknowledge the pain and let go of what keeps me from connection not dragging those I care  about into it with me.  There is world outside of yourself, your pain, your past, and the first step to seeing it is leaving your self inflicted isolation.     -Izzy