I've been thinking a lot lately and nothing good ever comes from that. Living more in my own head than my body. 

Thinking about life, love, grief, and how no matter what I do I can't stop time from passing.

How I crave change yet still hold onto the past.

How I don't REALLY know what I want or maybe what I think I want is keeping me from what I really need.

How I'm breaking out now at 24 worse than I ever did at 16, I can't find my retainer, or the fact that I'm more "messed up" than I previously thought.

How I forgot my clothes in the washer last night so OF COURSE I had to rewash them this morning, how I have a pile of birthday cards in my room that I swear I'll hang up one day. 

How I focus more on whether or not someone will hurt me rather than heal the parts of myself that I hurt. 

How I say I wear my heart on my sleeve which is an OUTRIGHT LIE. How I'm more skeptical than I'd ever like to admit.

How I lack both grace and compassion for myself consequently leading me to have little to no compassion for those I care most about.

How I love other's potential more than I love myself.

I think about what love really means outside of the "feeling" of it. What it means to practice its to choose it, to make it a ritual. 

I think about the deep intimacy of never speaking to someone again. Not out of hatred but out of a desire to preserve what was once so good, you can't let it run its course and rot. 

How my desire to change people is inherently selfish and stems from my own low self worth. 

How I'm grieving a future that won't ever get to happen.

How I can't love someone into a better version of themselves and I can't hate myself into a better me.

How I'm so terrified of being hurt that I just give up on being seen. 

How I thought things would be different. 

How I'm truly getting to know myself for the first time in my life and I'm not sure I like who I am.

And how that's okay. 

-Izzy